FAILBOAT takes an utterly epic trip to the ER
so that ER trip i mentioned in my last post...
PRM was on call tuesday night. i had $200 in barnes and noble gift certificates, and decided to make it rain for the turds, let them smash and grab and buy whatever they wanted. as we're at the checkout with donkey kong jenga, mario monopoly, and a shit-ton of books, MonkeyBeef decides he's had about enough and bolts for the door. there are actually two heavy sets of doors he'd have to get through to get to the street, so it wasn't a full-out emergency, which is why i didn't tackle him immediately. EvilGremlin, bless his heart, thought it was, though, and tried to tackle him. Since he tackles his baby brother gently and carefully to avoid head injuries and broken bones, MB wiggled out of it, and EG wound up holding him by the hand and begging him not to run into the street. MB jerked hard, and EG said he felt something in MB's wrist pop, and they both stood there looking at each other in horror.
crap. so as i'm reassuring EG that he did the best he could and popping his wrist was better than letting him run into the street, and carrying whimpering 2-year-old who can't use his left arm, and trying to distribute 200 lbs (200 lbs = 1 shit-ton) of books and games between 3 shrimpy little skinny dudes so they can drag it to the car, and trying to talk to PRM on the cell phone about whether or not we go to the ER (and since i couldn't determine if it was the suspected nursemaid's elbow, which i could fix myself, or a dislocated or fractured wrist, which i definitely can't fix myself, the answer was a resounding go straight to the ER)... i look down to see that my jeans, my favorite fucking jeans, have ripped. from crotch to knee. my whole leg and half my underwear are hanging out. and all i can think is, really? i mean, REALLY? this had to happen NOW?
so i walked into the ER looking like i’d just lost a barfight to the two year old. all i really needed to complete the picture was to dump a beer all over myself. we sat in the waiting room and then an exam room, dragging games in progress with us as EG explained to rapt audiences of nurses and residents what had happened, right down to why it was "definitely a dislocation and not a subluxation." we got a really good resident, who was like, dude, it's nursemaid's elbow, and this is the most awesome diagnosis you can get as an ER physician, because the fix takes 3 seconds, recovery is 100%, and you don’t even need tylenol afterwards. he grabbbed MB's arm, twisted it gently, popped the offending ligament back into place, and MB immediately threw his hands in the air, yelled "YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHH!" and ran for the door, hanging off the handle like a monkey and trying to bounce hard enough to get it to open. we stopped off for happy meals, at dinner and went to bed at 10:30. i emailed the kids' teachers to briefly them what had happened, and that i would not be setting the alarm and that's why the kids would probably be late to school in the morning.
epic. i'm printing out a bumper sticker for my minivan right now that says "FAILBOAT." anyone watching us get in out of the vehicle will immediately understand.
PRM was on call tuesday night. i had $200 in barnes and noble gift certificates, and decided to make it rain for the turds, let them smash and grab and buy whatever they wanted. as we're at the checkout with donkey kong jenga, mario monopoly, and a shit-ton of books, MonkeyBeef decides he's had about enough and bolts for the door. there are actually two heavy sets of doors he'd have to get through to get to the street, so it wasn't a full-out emergency, which is why i didn't tackle him immediately. EvilGremlin, bless his heart, thought it was, though, and tried to tackle him. Since he tackles his baby brother gently and carefully to avoid head injuries and broken bones, MB wiggled out of it, and EG wound up holding him by the hand and begging him not to run into the street. MB jerked hard, and EG said he felt something in MB's wrist pop, and they both stood there looking at each other in horror.
crap. so as i'm reassuring EG that he did the best he could and popping his wrist was better than letting him run into the street, and carrying whimpering 2-year-old who can't use his left arm, and trying to distribute 200 lbs (200 lbs = 1 shit-ton) of books and games between 3 shrimpy little skinny dudes so they can drag it to the car, and trying to talk to PRM on the cell phone about whether or not we go to the ER (and since i couldn't determine if it was the suspected nursemaid's elbow, which i could fix myself, or a dislocated or fractured wrist, which i definitely can't fix myself, the answer was a resounding go straight to the ER)... i look down to see that my jeans, my favorite fucking jeans, have ripped. from crotch to knee. my whole leg and half my underwear are hanging out. and all i can think is, really? i mean, REALLY? this had to happen NOW?
so i walked into the ER looking like i’d just lost a barfight to the two year old. all i really needed to complete the picture was to dump a beer all over myself. we sat in the waiting room and then an exam room, dragging games in progress with us as EG explained to rapt audiences of nurses and residents what had happened, right down to why it was "definitely a dislocation and not a subluxation." we got a really good resident, who was like, dude, it's nursemaid's elbow, and this is the most awesome diagnosis you can get as an ER physician, because the fix takes 3 seconds, recovery is 100%, and you don’t even need tylenol afterwards. he grabbbed MB's arm, twisted it gently, popped the offending ligament back into place, and MB immediately threw his hands in the air, yelled "YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHH!" and ran for the door, hanging off the handle like a monkey and trying to bounce hard enough to get it to open. we stopped off for happy meals, at dinner and went to bed at 10:30. i emailed the kids' teachers to briefly them what had happened, and that i would not be setting the alarm and that's why the kids would probably be late to school in the morning.
epic. i'm printing out a bumper sticker for my minivan right now that says "FAILBOAT." anyone watching us get in out of the vehicle will immediately understand.
posted by welfareloser at 10:56 AM
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