welfareloser's rules, #2: know the heimlich maneuver
i've now had to do it at least once on 3 out of 4 kids. DramaQueen wins the honor of never needing it (so far. i wouldn't put competitive hot-dog swallowing past him at some point in his middle school career.) EvilGremlin wins the honor of needing it the most - at least three times that i can remember before age 2. that little shit did the worst job i've ever seen of swallowing, something that you would think would be instinctive, but apparently is not.
a few nights ago, it was MonkeyBeef's turn. as i was cooking dinner, i became aware of MB making a really fucked-up noise, just as EvilGremlin shouted "oh my god i think he's choking!" every now and then he made a horribly labored noise as he breathed in for all of a second, and then it would get choked off again. i swiped through his mouth, found nothing, and started the heimlich. the second i heard air rushing in, i'd go digging in his pharynx, but by the time i got my finger there, he had sucked the object back down. i tried to get him to eject it more forcefully, but he never seemed to be able to move it completely out of his airway. and so it went, for a good two minutes. two minutes of trying to get your baby to breathe is a very long fucking time.
finally, my finger caught the object: a marble. a slippery, round marble. i jabbed my finger in good and hard to make sure i got behind it instead of it slipping to the side and getting pushed back down. i probably scratched him in the process, because when he coughed up the marble, a fat rope of bloody mucus came with it, like a comet tail. he was still making fucked-up, labored noises, which resolved when he finished puking up the bowl of popcorn he had just eaten, but was terrifying until then.
and did i mention all of this happened in the middle of a tornado? going to the hospital wasn't even an option!
yeah. fun night! anyway. heimlich maneuver. good shit to know. i guess i'm officially a "veteran" parent, because not only was i able to hold my shit together well enough to figure out a sort of hybrid between the baby-technique and adult-technique heimlich, i also had the presence of mind to call EvilGremlin over and talk him through what i was doing to MonkeyBeef so that he would be able to do it himself in the future, and finish off with explanation to the twits that this is why you don't try to fit as much food in your mouth as possible, because sometimes, that actually isn't going to be hilarious.
LiquidCourage thought maybe that would teach the little shit not to eat glass. and by god, two minutes worth of punching the boy in the stomach did what two years worth of scolding couldn't do... he doesn't put marbles and dice in his mouth anymore. later that night, he stole a pair of dice from his brothers' board game, held them up to his (closed) mouth, and looked at me fearfully. when i said, "no, no, hurt you!" he threw them at the wall and started wailing like... well, like i'd just punched him in the stomach.
so, uh, back to square one with the recovering arm (so much for "no lifting anything over 5 lbs") but the look of terror on MB's face when he spots a marble is totally worth it!
a few nights ago, it was MonkeyBeef's turn. as i was cooking dinner, i became aware of MB making a really fucked-up noise, just as EvilGremlin shouted "oh my god i think he's choking!" every now and then he made a horribly labored noise as he breathed in for all of a second, and then it would get choked off again. i swiped through his mouth, found nothing, and started the heimlich. the second i heard air rushing in, i'd go digging in his pharynx, but by the time i got my finger there, he had sucked the object back down. i tried to get him to eject it more forcefully, but he never seemed to be able to move it completely out of his airway. and so it went, for a good two minutes. two minutes of trying to get your baby to breathe is a very long fucking time.
finally, my finger caught the object: a marble. a slippery, round marble. i jabbed my finger in good and hard to make sure i got behind it instead of it slipping to the side and getting pushed back down. i probably scratched him in the process, because when he coughed up the marble, a fat rope of bloody mucus came with it, like a comet tail. he was still making fucked-up, labored noises, which resolved when he finished puking up the bowl of popcorn he had just eaten, but was terrifying until then.
and did i mention all of this happened in the middle of a tornado? going to the hospital wasn't even an option!
yeah. fun night! anyway. heimlich maneuver. good shit to know. i guess i'm officially a "veteran" parent, because not only was i able to hold my shit together well enough to figure out a sort of hybrid between the baby-technique and adult-technique heimlich, i also had the presence of mind to call EvilGremlin over and talk him through what i was doing to MonkeyBeef so that he would be able to do it himself in the future, and finish off with explanation to the twits that this is why you don't try to fit as much food in your mouth as possible, because sometimes, that actually isn't going to be hilarious.
LiquidCourage thought maybe that would teach the little shit not to eat glass. and by god, two minutes worth of punching the boy in the stomach did what two years worth of scolding couldn't do... he doesn't put marbles and dice in his mouth anymore. later that night, he stole a pair of dice from his brothers' board game, held them up to his (closed) mouth, and looked at me fearfully. when i said, "no, no, hurt you!" he threw them at the wall and started wailing like... well, like i'd just punched him in the stomach.
so, uh, back to square one with the recovering arm (so much for "no lifting anything over 5 lbs") but the look of terror on MB's face when he spots a marble is totally worth it!
posted by welfareloser at 5:46 PM
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