remeber how painfully embarrassed you were by damn near everything during preadolescense?
evilgremlin is soooooo there. at 9-1/2, he's more self-aware. this means he's more conscientious, which is great, but also more self-conscious. like all kids his age, he's beginning to see that the world is big, and he's trying to figure out how to angle for a good spot in it. he's even paying attention to his looks. less than a year after he was horrified when i suggested he let his hair grow out some ("do i look like i want to be in high school musical?!?! i just want a NORMAL haircut!!!") he started refusing haircuts; his hair now swoops carefully over his forehead, kinda skater-punkish. he chooses his clothes carefully. of course, sometimes "desert chocolate chip" and "realtree oak" constitute "matching"... but in a house where an outfit can consist of your brother's pants (which are either 2 sizes too big or too small) a t-shirt with a picture of tom selleck that says "don't disrespect the mustache," a straw hat, ladybug rainboots, elbow and knee pads, and a holster made of old tae kwon do belts (for a lightsaber, watergun, or an "I CAN'T SHOW YOU IT'S NUCLEAR AND IT WILL MELT YOUR BRAINS,") ...let's just say EG is stylin, relatively speaking.
but the biggest change is that HE IS EMBARRASSED BY EVERYTHING HIS FAMILY SAYS OR DOES. for example, we've been going out quite a bit lately with the other radiology residents so everyone can meet the new class. there were a couple of picnics that included kids. EvilGremlin is used to being the oldest kid by about 5 years at residency functions, so he drifted between civilized conversation with the adults, and playing frisbee with or blowing bubbles for the younger kids.
SpazMonkey had gotten a bug up his ass earlier in the day about building a time machine. so far, he had gathered various pieces of scrap wood, an old keyboard, random wires (having watched me modify xboxes and repair electronic toys, he was familiar with the need for soldering, and was still trying to convince me to tell him where i keep the soldering iron) and a "bag of plasma," which is absolutely essential to time machine construction. plasma, in case you don't know, is "THE OPPOSITE OF A LASER." duh! (i un-froze one of those "polar ice" freezy bag thingies, and the resulting square breast implant was enough to delight SM.) at a picnic at DirtyMartini's house, SM was explaining to TexasRoadKill that all he needed was "more metal parts." TRK promptly offered him a broken lawnmower in his garage. convinced that the eventual success of his invention was now inevitable, SM proceeded to stomp up to every single person at the party (literally. every now and then he'd scan the crowd, say "HEY I HAVEN'T TALKED TO THAT GUY YET!" and go bounding over) and say some version of the following:
"HEY GUESS WHAT! I'M BUILDING A TIME MACHINE MY BROTHER AND ME ARE AND IT'S GOING TO BE FINISHED ON JANUARY THIRTY FIRST 2010 SO YOU HAVE TO COME TO MY HOUSE ON FEBRUARY FIRST 2010 SO YOU CAN GO WITH US THAT'S MONKEYBEEF'S BIRTHDAY BUT HE CAN'T COME BECAUSE HE'S TOO LITTLE AND HE MIGHT GET SCARED AND WE'RE GOING TO ILLUSION FOREST IT'S A PLACE THAT DOESN'T EXIST BUT WE'RE GOING TO GO THERE ANYWAY AND MY MOM GOT ME THE BAG OF PLASMA THAT POWERS THE TIME MACHINE WHICH IS ALSO A TRANSPORTER AND I HAVE WIRES AND POWER TOOLS AND IT HAS A PASSWORD TO TYPE IN TO TURN IT ON AND MY BIGGEST BROTHER IS BUILDING THE ROBOT AND UNCLE ROADKILL IS GIVING ME ALL THE METAL PARTS AND I AM NOT GOING TO SLEEP AND I'LL WORK ON IT ALL NIGHT IN THE BASEMENT AND IT'S GOING TO BE FREAKING AWESOME!"
one of the new residents summed up his style of speaking pretty nicely later in the week at the hookah bar:
NR: was that your oldest i was talking to?
me: i dunno. could you understand what he was saying?
NR: it was pretty stream-of-consciousness.
me: that was one of the twins, then. did he talk like he was on meth, or pot?
NR: definitely meth.
me: SpazMonkey.
of course all the adults found this absolutely adorable, even when he charged a wide-eyed 3-year-old girl (i had to tell him that she wasn't responding to him because he was calling her "dude," which probably didn't do much to signal that he was talking to her) with bringing the missile launchers. because if your mission lacks missle launchers, the person in the room with pigtails is definitely the one who can hook you up!
EG did not find this adorable. he was so embarrassed he actually hid behind a tree. when i went over to ask him what was up, he sounded halfway to panicked.
EG: MOM, are you going to let him DO THAT?
me: do what?
EG: keep talking about stuff that he doesn't know anything about!
me: dude, it's fine. he's just a little kid.
EG: but you can't really build a time machine! not yet! that technology doesn't exist yet, and they all know it!
me: it's okay. they also know he's just using his imagination.
EG: but i'm his big brother and they're going to think he learned that FROM ME!
i had to explain that nobody was going to hold his brothers' goofiness against him; if anything, i would take all the blame. it took some more talking, but once he was convinced that the mother is the one with the day-glo judgment target on her massive butt, he calmed down and was able to rejoin the party.
and all was well in PreAdolescent AngstVille until we reached the van at sundown to head home, and EG noticed the "FAILBOAT" bumper sticker that i had put on my grocery-getter after our failboat mission.
EG: oh god, mom, how long has that been there?
me: dude? MY car! (i'm as mature as any 2-year-old!)
he silently cast sidelong glances down the sidewalk in each direction, probably mentally calculating how long it would take him to walk home. then he just shook his head and got in the car, shoulders slumped, his head hanging down to let his hair cover as much of his face as possible.
yep. just wait til prom night!
but the biggest change is that HE IS EMBARRASSED BY EVERYTHING HIS FAMILY SAYS OR DOES. for example, we've been going out quite a bit lately with the other radiology residents so everyone can meet the new class. there were a couple of picnics that included kids. EvilGremlin is used to being the oldest kid by about 5 years at residency functions, so he drifted between civilized conversation with the adults, and playing frisbee with or blowing bubbles for the younger kids.
SpazMonkey had gotten a bug up his ass earlier in the day about building a time machine. so far, he had gathered various pieces of scrap wood, an old keyboard, random wires (having watched me modify xboxes and repair electronic toys, he was familiar with the need for soldering, and was still trying to convince me to tell him where i keep the soldering iron) and a "bag of plasma," which is absolutely essential to time machine construction. plasma, in case you don't know, is "THE OPPOSITE OF A LASER." duh! (i un-froze one of those "polar ice" freezy bag thingies, and the resulting square breast implant was enough to delight SM.) at a picnic at DirtyMartini's house, SM was explaining to TexasRoadKill that all he needed was "more metal parts." TRK promptly offered him a broken lawnmower in his garage. convinced that the eventual success of his invention was now inevitable, SM proceeded to stomp up to every single person at the party (literally. every now and then he'd scan the crowd, say "HEY I HAVEN'T TALKED TO THAT GUY YET!" and go bounding over) and say some version of the following:
"HEY GUESS WHAT! I'M BUILDING A TIME MACHINE MY BROTHER AND ME ARE AND IT'S GOING TO BE FINISHED ON JANUARY THIRTY FIRST 2010 SO YOU HAVE TO COME TO MY HOUSE ON FEBRUARY FIRST 2010 SO YOU CAN GO WITH US THAT'S MONKEYBEEF'S BIRTHDAY BUT HE CAN'T COME BECAUSE HE'S TOO LITTLE AND HE MIGHT GET SCARED AND WE'RE GOING TO ILLUSION FOREST IT'S A PLACE THAT DOESN'T EXIST BUT WE'RE GOING TO GO THERE ANYWAY AND MY MOM GOT ME THE BAG OF PLASMA THAT POWERS THE TIME MACHINE WHICH IS ALSO A TRANSPORTER AND I HAVE WIRES AND POWER TOOLS AND IT HAS A PASSWORD TO TYPE IN TO TURN IT ON AND MY BIGGEST BROTHER IS BUILDING THE ROBOT AND UNCLE ROADKILL IS GIVING ME ALL THE METAL PARTS AND I AM NOT GOING TO SLEEP AND I'LL WORK ON IT ALL NIGHT IN THE BASEMENT AND IT'S GOING TO BE FREAKING AWESOME!"
one of the new residents summed up his style of speaking pretty nicely later in the week at the hookah bar:
NR: was that your oldest i was talking to?
me: i dunno. could you understand what he was saying?
NR: it was pretty stream-of-consciousness.
me: that was one of the twins, then. did he talk like he was on meth, or pot?
NR: definitely meth.
me: SpazMonkey.
of course all the adults found this absolutely adorable, even when he charged a wide-eyed 3-year-old girl (i had to tell him that she wasn't responding to him because he was calling her "dude," which probably didn't do much to signal that he was talking to her) with bringing the missile launchers. because if your mission lacks missle launchers, the person in the room with pigtails is definitely the one who can hook you up!
EG did not find this adorable. he was so embarrassed he actually hid behind a tree. when i went over to ask him what was up, he sounded halfway to panicked.
EG: MOM, are you going to let him DO THAT?
me: do what?
EG: keep talking about stuff that he doesn't know anything about!
me: dude, it's fine. he's just a little kid.
EG: but you can't really build a time machine! not yet! that technology doesn't exist yet, and they all know it!
me: it's okay. they also know he's just using his imagination.
EG: but i'm his big brother and they're going to think he learned that FROM ME!
i had to explain that nobody was going to hold his brothers' goofiness against him; if anything, i would take all the blame. it took some more talking, but once he was convinced that the mother is the one with the day-glo judgment target on her massive butt, he calmed down and was able to rejoin the party.
and all was well in PreAdolescent AngstVille until we reached the van at sundown to head home, and EG noticed the "FAILBOAT" bumper sticker that i had put on my grocery-getter after our failboat mission.
EG: oh god, mom, how long has that been there?
me: dude? MY car! (i'm as mature as any 2-year-old!)
he silently cast sidelong glances down the sidewalk in each direction, probably mentally calculating how long it would take him to walk home. then he just shook his head and got in the car, shoulders slumped, his head hanging down to let his hair cover as much of his face as possible.
yep. just wait til prom night!
posted by welfareloser at 10:24 PM
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